This year was a wonderful Thanksgiving. I spent it with my friend Jaime’s family and then on to my extended family in SF. I am very lucky to have so many great people and good in my life. Here and there I may feel like I am down in the dumps. Stepping back a few paces and looking at everything I am reminded of the bigger picture. I have everything I need. I have food shelter and most important people whom I love and love me back.
I shall end this with gratitude.
I am grateful for…
1. The many people in my life that I love with my whole being.
2. Knowing I am a good person and that I can make this world a better place.
3. Being in love and having someone love me just as much.
4. My health is still in tip top shape.
5. Warm blankets. I love being warm. I especially love cuddling in this cold weather.
I think that is when I first started watching Samurai Champloo. I can’t believe it has been almost ten years since I first started watching this anime. I was much younger back then. The soundtrack from this anime really changed my life. I can still hear the beats playing in my head when I am thinking away.
There is a great form of nostalgia that comes from hearing music. I feel in love with the song Sincerely. I have been taking a break from listening to Nujabes. I played it so much that it sorta lost is meaning to me. Right now I am listening to Sincerely and it has been over 2 years since I listened to it. Such a great song with wonderful beats. Hard to believe that I am 26 now and it feels like it was just yesterday when I was watching this anime at my cousins house in San Jose.
Now we are older and miles apart. He lives in NYC and I am here in Davis CA. Samurai Champloo and its soundtrack really changed my life. Life is going by incredibly fast. If there is one thing you can take from me, take this. The albums from Nujabes are incredible and will help slow time down for a moment. You will notice things around you and embrace the moment. Maybe the song might just be playing and some great event might happen in your life. Then when the song plays it’ll help bring you back to the past. Sigh. Life sure is amazing. Good night all.
The past has come for a quick visit.
Back in 2011 I was set on killing myself. I was filled with much guilt for so many things. There were many burdens I took on that I did not have to. All these burdens lead to me failing at so many goals. I am not really here to get into all of the causes and details which lead me to want to kill myself.
I am here to write something that was brought up in a conversation I had with someone about an hour ago. She told me someone called her during the time of my confession to kill myself. She then told my dad “your son is trying to kill himself and is in the hospital!”. From that point all my dad does is drive and ignores what she has said. He says that I would be just fine. Sadly there was no sign of remorse in him.
After a few days I call my dad and ask him how hes doing. This is still back then. He does not really say much and just fills the conversation with small talk. I mention that I was admitted to the hospital and he does not seem to care. He just asks in a detached voice are you ok now? I respond with a yes and then that was the end of that.
I am not upset. This is something from that past. It does suck though that I am reminded that there might be a chance my dad does not care.
Good night all.
I am grateful for…
1. Having a well paying job and seeing doors open for me.
2. Having really low points in my life. I really have been feeling down. But there are so many things happening and people around me that are bringing me up.
3. Knowing I have so many people who care about me and show so much love. I really appreciate your existence it really makes me feel complete.
4. feeling higher now that I am able to let go of some things that burden my heart.
5. Spending time with you. I love you and am so happy we spend time together.
I have recently graduated in May. I have a BA in psychology which wont get me anywhere in my field unless I get a graduate degree. I will one day return to school and pursue my higher education. I feel a sense of emptiness since summer is about to end, and I don’t have school to return to.
I have been in school for a good 20 years of my life. This transition is strange for me. I feel something is missing and I have nothing to really look forward to. I love school and it feels good to have a break from it and then return after a summer. Well it is time to move forward in life.
Thank goodness I have a job! It pays pretty well and is secure. Another opportunity has shown itself though. I will probably take the job if they offer me a position. Even though I don’t fully believe in God anymore I still catch my self thanking God for the miracles in my life. I will find a way to restore things to a better balance.
I am really lucky to have the ability to love and be loved. Thank for so much for all you do in my life. You bring so much joy and happiness. I feel much better knowing that you’re nearby.
Good night world.
Homeless Bound. First journey.
The goal of this journey was to experience the life of being homeless. This is not my first time being homeless. Yet it is my first time being homeless and on my own. The rules of this experience are few. 1 I am not allowed to get any help from anyone I know; they can visit and say hello but that is all. 2. I can only survive on the kindness of others. 3 find out the stories of those less fortunate.
I started my journey around 2 pm in Berkeley. I started off by walking around and looking for areas that seemed safe to sleep. I ended up walking all around downtown Berkeley finding a few potential areas and finally just ended up in UCB to take a nap. woke up and visited a friend to let her know that I started my journey. She tried to give me MRES to help me but I could not accept. She was not very happy with that decision and my choice to become homeless.
Now to start and get to know some of the people. First guy I met told me the bread at peoples park is free and local businesses leave it there. I took a loaf just in case and rationed it. The guy I talked to was not even homeless he was from El Cerrito but seemed a bit off. At night I met a homeless woman. I asked her if she knew of places that were safe to sleep. She replied by saying “oh I am not homeless I just like to carry a lot of stuff.” She had a cart full of stuff and sure seemed like she was homeless. After a couple hours of walking around looking for safe places to sleep I saw her cart and she was sleeping on near a park. She was no more than 30 years old. I never found her again to ask her about her story. I then bumped into a homeless man with a dog. He told me he was new to the area and didn’t know much of where the good places to sleep were. He also told me he just got out of jail after being in there for 6 months. I quickly walked away just in case.
Finally I found the perfect place to sleep after walking around for hours. I found this place around 1 AM. It was at this church where they had some sort of courtyard with benches and low light. It was perfect in the sense it had good lighting but not bright enough to bother you when you slept. I saw a homeless guy sleeping on one of the benches. Looked safe enough. I then slept and was shocked to find out that the clothes I brought were not enough to keep me warm from the cold weather. I put on all that I had which was two shirts, one thermal, a jacket, and two pairs of jeans with wool socks. The only thing that was warm were my feet. I was able to sleep for only a good 45 min. I even tried curling up and sleeping in all different positions to no success. It was 2 AM, I just ended up walking all night until Starbucks opened up. I bought one coffee and just sat there reading a book. Stayed there until around 945 AM. I thought it would be warm enough outside to take a nap. I was so wrong. I was not able to nap until around 1130 AM at Ohlone park. I was able to rest there until 4 PM. In between naps I met this guy and his name was Mike. He asked me if he was encroaching in my territory and I told him he was not. Very polite well mannered man. We ended up talking here and there for a good 2 hours. Not the whole two hours but had few sentences and then silence. Mike tried to help me get into a shelter. Sadly I was not able to get in for there was no more space. I found out he was on the streets for a good 3 months and lived in the shelter. I asked how he got to the streets. He told me it was domestic stuff that was a long story.
It was now around 6 PM. I had no shelter to stay at and I was wondering what I should do. I tried to look at thrift stores of a sleeping bag or a blanket but could not find anything. Some luck I had trying to stay warm. Later around 8 PM I bumped into this guy who was trying to make money by selling post cards he made. His drawings on each of them had a story to tell. He had a good chunk of his brain cut out during his coma and was on the streets for over 10 years. He was very helpful and told me of all the soup kitchens and what time they operate. He later told me where I could leave my stuff and nice places to sleep at in the hills of Berkeley. I tried to get to those areas but it was too far since I didn’t have a bike like him. He was very well prepared from collecting over the years. He told me he had a tent and two sleeping bags just in case it got that cold. I never got his name. I ended up buying a card from him for a dollar. He found out I was homeless and tried to give me some change so I could have more money to eat. He was really a nice guy and a great help with so much info.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention this. I begged for money for a good 8 hours and only made close to 7 dollars. Most people ignore you and pretend you don’t exist. A few people said some mean comments. Only 1 in 50 would help me by giving me spare change.
It was now 11 PM. I tried to use newspapers to stay warm and stuff them in my clothes. They did not help enough. I tried doing the strategy of walking all night and napping when I got warm. Problem was I did not have enough sleep or calories to help sustain me. I ended up giving up my homeless journey after 36 hours. I will try and do this again one day. All I need is a sleeping bag and I think I can manage so much better.
What puzzles me the most is the people who have been on the street for years. How on earth will they survive when they get too old? What is there to look forward to or hope for if all you do is beg to get by and have something to eat. Life is tough and I am very lucky to have a roof over my head and the only worry about food I have is what should I eat.
Do not take for granted what you have and know people would love to be in your position in life. Thanks for reading and I hope I am able to one day continue this journey again.