Right now I am listening to this song that has a chorus that goes “everyday oughta be a bad day for you”. I feel that some people feel or say things like that about me. If they don’t I am just probably thinking for others and feel I deserve to have a bad day. Many times I feel I am very considerate of others and their feelings. I do my best to put them first, as well as their happiness. Slowly I am burning out.
Every year I host events for friends to get together. I will keep this tradition alive even if no one shows up. I love my friends and being able to see them at least once a year really makes me happy. As of recent years I have been feeling like giving up and not hosting. Their are many people who appreciate and encourage me to keep the tradition alive. Thank you to all these people who make me feel like I am doing something worthwhile. This years events have been going great!
Even though they are going great I did not want to host them this year. I am going through a huge transition. I am moving from a place I can call home and I feel as if I truly belong here. This move feels like I am a tree that has grown and my roots have been planted into the earth pretty deep. Then someone comes along and say it is time to rip me from my roots and plant me somewhere else. I am leaving a place where I am happy and at peace. These events have been preventing me from staying in my little piece of heaven.
Between the events many people are doing things which I feel I need to be at. I love these people and I am not able to say no. It hurts so much that I am not able to stay in my paradise longer because I do not want to say no to people.
Honestly I wish people would notice how I am on the inside. I wish they knew the pain, happiness, sorrow, anger, etc. I feel I do so much not just for my friends/family, but everyone that I am able to help. I wish people would lend me a hand. I wish people were more considerate of me. I know they are considerate, but I guess it’s not enough for me.
I create my own pain. I will do my best to always put others first and be considerate. I will not let anyone in on what really goes on inside my heart, mind, and soul. I will continue to be happy and be hurt all at the same time. I hate everything. I just want to scream and punch everything. Thank goodness I am in my paradise tonight. This will make me feel better for a little while, until I have to leave again. I am gaining control and I will get stronger.
I am grateful for…
1. Music! I love that I have been constantly finding good music lately!
2. The wonderful body that I have. I put a lot of miles on it and it runs great. Thank you so much for being so strong, and I am sorry I don’t take care of you all that great at times.
3. Chat apps. I love being able to keep in touch with the people I care about. Never do I feel alone knowing that I can hit them up effortlessly.
4. My friends and family. Oh how I love that we give each other great meaning in life.
5. Getting in shape. I love the feeling of working out and knowing my body is happy after a workout.
I am grateful for…
1. Having the skills to land a job in my field of study; psychology.
2. Living in such a great city that is Davis. 3 wonderful years have gone by so fast.
3. My friends and family. They give me so much strength and love to keep me going on forever!
4. Being a Costco member! I love Costco!!! I bought something I think will be so useful for my events!
5. Having the ability to host my summer events for the 7th year in a row!
Recently I left my old job to pursue other ventures. I have been funemployed for a good 2.5 months. I finally landed a job in my field as a case manager for autistic adults. This is going to be way different from all the other jobs I have had. I am gonna enjoy this challenge and take it head on.
While funemployed I have been doing what I can to stay in Davis. Sadly I have not been able to spend anytime at all due to all the job interviews. This week of 4th of July I am able to spend at least 5 days here! Today while cleaning the house I saw an elderly woman going through the recycling to collect plastic. I go back inside and find some and give it to her. She has a great smile and thanks be many times for plastic bottles, which was only worth not even 50 cents. It really takes me back to see how grateful people are for so little. I go back inside and grab all the plastic that I can give her. Her smile became more radiant and I could tell how grateful she was. I even gave her something to drink since its hot out in Davis and she gladly accepted. It is the small things in life that are what make it great. Me sharing something for her to recycle for money and me being able to receive such a grateful smile. I am lucky that I am.
Soon my summer events will be here and the summer gone. I was not going to host the annual bbq and beach event. Luckily a great friend inspired me and gave me the motivation to keep up the events… “We need to have a tradition, and you are the only one keeping up with that.” Those words were so powerful to me and touched me greatly.
Well take care all and have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!
I’m not stuck in the past.
I tend to hold on to things because I am very sentimental. The thing I hold on to most is my memories. I love going to places from my past. Each place holds a beautiful record of the past. Very often these places bring me to a very bittersweet place. I am still leasing a place in Davis yet I am not there. I have about eight weeks left before I must move back to the bay. Already my being is starting to miss Davis. Soon that will be a place to visit and let the memories flood my mind.
Recently I went to my old junior college Diablo Valley College. Walking around was very nostalgic. It is amazing how many years have pased by since I went to the schol. Seems like only yesterday I was getting my G.E. classes done. My professors are still there that taught me the basics of psychology. The quad where everyone hung out is gone now replaced by a building. The counseling center is just filled with class rooms now. The shopping center across the way is now empty and sad. One time I volunteered at the thrift store in that center. The things that are changing will change but my memories of what once was will remain.
Davis will probably be like DVC to me one day, but it will not be sad. It will be a place of progress and development. No matter where I drive I will always have my memories flood my mind passing all the familiar places. I used to think that I was stuck in the past. I have a new way of looking at it now. “No I am not stuck in the past, but without memories you have nothing to grasp”. This is a line from a song by Mega Ran.
I embrace these memories use it as a foundation of who I have become. I know where I came from and where I am headed. No I am not stuck in the past.
The days in Davis are going by one by one. My time in this place I call paradise seems like its gonna last forever, yet I know in reality I must leave soon. I spend my days enjoying waking up by the sunlight that beams into my room only to see blue skies. I get up from bed to start my day just like any other. These days I spend here are bitter sweet that they are.
Each day I walk/bike/drive through Davis I am filled with so many memories. I hardly make new memories on my last few months in Davis. I just spend my time applying for jobs and studying at the coffee shop that I love to go to. During my lone adventures through Davis I tend to just roam around admiring the beauty of the city and all the memories.
I do this as often as I can and I hope to one day return here. The day passes by and the evening comes. The days just cycle and I wish time would stop. My heart aches at the inevitable that is “change”. I power on and all I can do is walk forward with a smile on my face and the knowledge that I am lucky and filled with love. Happiness always follows.
You really don’t. I do like you a lot ^__^
I often practice smiling. There is a certain smile that I am doing my best to perfect. When I was a child and I would feel down, I would look back and remember that smile my grandma always used to have. Do you remember your grandparents smile? My grandmother’s smile was such a warm and comforting smile. This smile was the type that would calm you down and make you feel as if everything would be alright.
When I need to I give this smile to others to hopefully comfort them. Give them that feeling that everything will be just fine. There are times I needed that smile and there was none to be found. Feeling of hopelessness is not a good feeling at all. I just hope my smile is able to give you the warmth, hope, and feeling of comfort as I had felt when my grandma used to smile at me.
If only you knew what was behind that smile…